No soap writer watches legal dramas

I don't know what crime Hope Brady (Kristian Alfonso) plead guilty to on today's episode of Days of Our Lives, but the ensuing sentencing hearing served to confirm that the soap's writers have no more than a vague clue of how a courtroom actually runs.

Several of the show's main characters got on the witness stand at random to essentially give closing statements rather than to actually testify. Anyone can raise her hand and say "Can I say something, Judge?" and the judge will let her get on the stand.

The extras tasked with the rôles of lawyers were mostly deprived of lines because the episode's writer seems to be completely unaware that in a sentencing hearing, the defense lawyer is supposed to gather witnesses to present evidence in favor of mitigating the sentence, while the prosecutor is supposed to gather witnesses to present evidence in favor of aggravating the sentence.

How do I know all this? Do I have a fancy law degree framed in my office? No. I watch shows like Law & Order (and its various spin-offs), The Practice, Ally McBeal, Boston Legal, JAG, The Deep End, Judging Amy, The Defenders, Perry Mason, Matlock, Crossing Jordan, Family Law, etc. It wouldn't hurt the soap writers to watch an episode of any legal drama they can catch on TV these days.

Nicole needs a better lawyer

The show: Days of Our Lives
The episode: The one which aired yesterday, January 6, 2010, the latest in the baby-switching saga.
What happened: Nicole, sporting artificially black hair, is in trial, with a black lawyer as her defense attorney. Her lawyer begins to ask for leniency but the judge rudely cuts him off. Then, several witnesses talk about what an awful, dishonest woman Nicole is. The judge thanks the witnesses and comments that no one has said anything positive about Nicole. Then this guy bursts into court, and soon he's testifying that Nicole loved Sydney as if Sydney was her own flesh-and-blood baby, and that no sentence the judge could hand down could be worse than what Nicole is already feeling.
Why it makes no sense: Do the writers watch any legal dramas? There are still plenty to choose from these days, even as the crime scene investigation genre has caused a decrease in lawyer dramas. Apparently, the Days of Our Lives writers seem to think that in a trial, the witnesses just get on the stand and testify free-style, without any guidance from counsel for their side and without any cross-examination from opposing counsel, and that judges are in the habit of thanking witnesses for their testimony.
Worse still, Nicole's lawyer seems to be completely asleep at the wheel. Not only does he fail to cross-examine any of the witnesses for the prosecution, it doesn't occur to him to round up just one positive character witness for Nicole. He must be one of those overworked, underpaid public defenders. But why couldn't Nicole get a high-priced power lawyer? I can believe that E. J. wouldn't want to spring for such a lawyer (because it wouldn't occur to him that a guilty verdict would be more solid if there's no grounds for appeal on the basis of inadequate counsel), but why doesn't it occur to the judge that such a high-profile defendant needs a high-profile lawyer, and not some nincompoop throwing in the towel?
Of course I understand that the conventions of the soap opera are different than those of the legal drama. The one positive character witness barging into the courtroom at just the right moment is a plot device right at home in the soap opera. But by making the incompetent defense lawyer a black man, the writers or the producers have chosen the worst time to add diversity to the guest cast.

Groups of 24 hours of our lives

In today's episode of Days of Our Lives, Sammy and E. J. get a ransom note for their baby, Sydney, dated January 5, 2010. The ransom note also has geographical coordinates: 39 point something North, I don't remember what West.

So this shows that time on Days of Our Lives flows in parallel with real life time. But you wouldn't know it from most episodes, in which almost every scene ends with a character staring blankly at the character who just asked her/him a question, and many scenes begin with a confirmation that the plot thread has not really moved forward since its previous appearance in the syuzhet.

Soap opera pace: interspersing glacial and warp speed

There's a small handful of soap operas I occasionally tune in to, and this past week they have all had various Christmas decorations in the background and allusions to Christmas. And I'm pretty sure they also exhibited that Christmas theme around this same time last year. But in between, the pace has been so glacial that I have a hard time believing that taken at face value the plots of these soap operas have really progressed a full year. Some soap operas, like Days of Our Lives, give me the impression that the plot of each 45-minute episode (not counting commercials) advances the story a lot less than 45 minutes. "What is it you were going to tell me?" asks one character in one scene. Zoom in on the worried person being asked that question. Cut to another scene, which probably also ends with an unanswered question. Then we cut back to the first scene. "Oh, I was just going to remind you about this thing, but it's not important anymore." Can you honestly believe those two characters spent two minutes just staring at each other?